2024 Mental Health Essay Contest Awardee: Silver

Drowning in Plain Sight

Rylie, Maryland

Mental health, a topic typically whispered about behind closed doors, has become a crucial conversation in our society. From the importance of mental health awareness to the harmful impact of stigmas, my journey through understanding mental health has been both personal and profound.

‘What if’ thoughts controlled my mind from a very young age. What if my parents died in a car crash and that’s why they are not home yet? What if they die before I tell them how much I love them? All day I would hyper fixate on something bad happening to my parents because I forgot to tell them I love them when I left for school. If something bad happened, I swore it would be my fault because I did not tell them I loved them in the morning. What if my house burns down overnight because I did not ensure everything was turned off before I went to bed? What if someone breaks into my house because I forgot to lock the door? Did I lock the door? Am I sure I locked the door? I had more nightmares than I did dreams for a long span of my life, I would wake up paralyzed in a panic unable to do anything except allow my mind to play out all the horrible things that could happen me and the people I love. My negative thoughts have controlled me for as long as I can remember, sending me into horrific states of panic, anger and confusion. My thoughts have left me curled up in the corner of my room, my car, my bathroom hyperventilating waiting and hoping for someone to come find me and help me because I am paralyzed by my own thoughts.

Around my sophomore year of high school, my parents recognized these problems I was having because they were not subtle, and I could not hide them anymore as they had spiraled out of control. Someone had to sit in the bathroom while I showered because I was convinced someone was going to kill me and my family. This along with other ridiculous thoughts controlled my life and my parents decided it would be in my best interest to try therapy in attempt to relieve these thoughts.

This was when I realized how difficult it is to receive mental health treatment. My dad tried to get me into therapy anywhere he could, everywhere had at least a six-month waitlist just to be seen and evaluated. Trying to get into therapy was discouraging and frustrating because I did not understand why everyone who needs help can’t receive it in a timely manner. Why did I have to wait at least six months to talk to someone about my thoughts? As my thoughts progressed, I could not even imagine waiting longer to receive help. Every time I was having horrible thoughts all I tried to remind myself that they would be over soon and that maybe I would be better soon if therapy helps me.

I had finally worked up the courage to open up to my dad about my mental health and how I was feeling, just to be put on a waitlist. It was one of the most frustrating and discouraging feelings I had felt. I was embarrassed and realized I had to just live the next six months of my life without help, feeling hopeful for help but the hopelessness of waiting. Once I finally got a therapist, I often had to come to school late or leave school early for my appointments. I had one teacher that would make remarks in front of the class about me leaving every couple weeks. I would be called for an early dismissal, and she would make a remark, “I wish I could just leave school early all the time like you do, it must be nice.” After faking a laugh during a few of those remarks, I finally replied, “I go to therapy every time I leave, every dismissal is excused.” The whole class went silent, students were looking at each other whispering and a feeling of shock filled the room.

I was embarrassed that I reacted the way I did, but it also made me come to another realization- mental health is not openly spoken about in public settings. Some people treated me differently in class from that point on as if I was fragile and had something wrong with me because I was going to therapy. The lack of mental health education in schools is astonishing, especially with the rise of social media and emergence of public figures speaking out about mental health issues. Going to therapy is considered weird rather than helpful. People believe that everyone with depression or anxiety wants to kill themselves because there is such a stigma around talking about it in school. I am very open with my friends and other people in my life about my mental health because I believe that until people open up about mental health, the stigma around it will continue to exist and it will always remain an uncomfortable topic that is skimmed over in health class.

By speaking up about mental health and talking openly about experiences, it normalizes the conversation and makes those who struggle with mental health issues realize they are not alone, and hopefully encourages them to speak up about their struggles too. Mental health issues do not discriminate between age, race, or popularity. Everyone struggles and it is important to speak up about it for everyone to feel validated.

NIH recognizes these talented essay winners for their thoughtfulness and creativity in addressing youth mental health. These essays are written in the students' own words, are unedited, and do not necessarily represent the views of NIH, HHS, or the federal government.

Page published May 31, 2024